Ignatius from "Confederacy of Dunces" by John Kennedy Toole.
Ignatius thank you so much for joining me. I'm flattered you cleared your busy schedule to speak with me. Though I wish it was face-to-face, pay phone will be fine. I just don't understand why I also had to be on a pay phone?
"There is, at any point within a day, at least 4 people listening to my conversations. Hanging from my every word. Honestly, my mother would combust if she wasn't allowed to bask in the light that is my genius. To enhance privacy, this is the only way".
Oh. Ok, that makes sense. I heard you were gainfully employed! How exciting! Have you sold a series of your essays, written on the Big Chief pads?
"Please, don't bring up my essays. They are for those with similar literary genius and I doubt, based on your tone and cadence, you are a fellow Mensa member. Yes, I am gainfully employed for a delightful business selling hot dogs. The cart can get heavy at times, so I make due by consuming several of the sausages to lighten my physical burden. My employer doesn't like that so I generally try to avoid him".
As always, Ignatius, thinking ahead. Genius always sticks to a uniform of sorts such as Steve Jobs. What would you describe is your uniform?
"Steve Jobs was a dolt. I stick to my hunting cap, green, which covers my sensitive ears. I also enjoy my ample corduroy pants, which allow my wide stride to shine. Anything that manages to button over my ample stomach, I allow".
So sensible. So fashion-forward. In your spare time, what can you be found doing?
"“I am at the moment writing a lengthy indictment against our century. When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.”
Of course. I am assuming the cheese dip is sublime.
"It is. It affects my valve, though... greatly. I'm forced to lay prostrate and bounce wildly on my left side to slam it shut. I'm happy to have thwarted the eye of my medical physician who has been insisting I lose weight."
Of course, they seem to always be pushing an agenda. As for your social life, I assume you draw multitudes of friends as you are so fascinating?
“I mingle with my peers or no one, and since I have no peers, I mingle with no one.”
Again, completely reasonable. Ignatius, I've run out of time on my payphone, as I've been forced to pay for myself as well as you. I'm so sorry. I like to save at least one quarter for my Aldi trips.
"You're quite welcome. I'm happy my short conversation has shed some light in your otherwise dark world. I'm sure you'll have thousands, upon millions, interested readers. My lunch break is over. My employer would be enraged if he knew I ate all the hot dogs for today AND was speaking luminously on a pay phone. Apparently, I lack some particular perversion which today's employer is seeking. ”
*CALL IS CUT OFF*
Bolded quotes are directly from the book.