Tuesday, May 24, 2022

Serial Killer Dating Profiles

 David Berkowitz:

The busiest summer of my career was 1977 but it’s been a bit stale since then. You can call me David, though some refer to me with my father’s name, Sam. I don’t get it. In fact, I hate that. I’m an animal enthusiast and had a very close relationship with a particular canine, Harvey. Our bond was, unspoken, to the outsider. I also enjoyed the shooting range on occasion. But, can no longer get there due to transportation and access issues. My ideal mate is a woman with long, dark-brown hair and preferably not named Stacy. I’m a bit traditional in that I don’t use the internet or have a cell phone. I just don’t understand all that, a bit space-age, ya know? My wardrobe is also quite minimal with only one color option. It makes my mornings quite easy. I’ve recently found God again, after a long time in the dark. He has saved me from myself. Now, all I’ve got is time. Time for you, time for me, time for reading my Bible. I don’t have too many close friends these days so you won’t have to compete for my attention. Except with Father Sam.

And I’ll leave you with a short poem I wrote:

Yet, the cats still come out at night to mate

And the sparrows still sing in the morning.

Jeffrey Dahmer: 

As seen on Grinder. 

Local Wisconsonian, here! I have lots to offer a lady, or man (just don’t expect to meet my parents if you’re the latter). A little background on me, some have described me as a “Mama’s Boy”, but if loving and caring for your ailing mother is a crime, consider me guilty. I am a multi-tasker, to a fault! I am ruthlessly organized and skilled in all that I endeavor. I consider myself a culinary experimenter. I’m always willing to try new things! I was a loner and an oddball in high school which helped me develop my keen sense of humor. My time with the Army taught me nothing, quite honestly. I can be found frequenting gay bars, where regular patrons and employees there describe me as “sweet”. I have a soft spot for those in need and have been known to pick up an occasional hitch hiker. A few of my interests include chemistry, pharmacology, photography, cooking, preservation, human anatomy, and of course, God. 

John Wayne Gacy:

Howdy! I’m a 36 year old divorced father of two children. Typical story. You may know me as Pogo or Patches as I moonlight as a clown for hire. I can handle any event or venue, from charitable events to children’s birthday parties (though the latter is my favorite). I had a bit of a rough childhood so I find solace in bringing joy into others’ childhoods. I have managed three Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants but moved on to own and manage my own company, PDM Contractors. The work days are long but that doesn’t stop me from doing what I love. I became active in the political realm at a young 18. I also worked for a time as mortuary attendant. Politics and dead people?! As you can tell, I’m not squeamish in the least! Still waters run deep, though. I am far more than meets the eye. Some would consider me a hoarder but my “hoard” would never impede on our romantic life. That, I can assure you. I’ve had plenty of time to myself in the recent past, so I’ve taken up painting. I’m quite the artist, now! I’ve been quite influential in the legal arena, as well. I, personally, was inspiration for the Missing Child Recovery Act of 1984. The details are convoluted and I’d rather discuss them in person over a nice glass of whisky. If not, well then, kiss my ass. 

Ted Bundy:

As seen on POF, OkCupid & LinkedIn

My mother named me Theodor, but you can call me Ted, or Teddy if I like you. I’m a real go-getter and rarely take no for an answer. I’ll blow your mind with how persistent and fastidious I can be. I have a high opinion of myself, which is the only opinion I see to be plausible. I’m a successful social worker but have dabbled in everything from law school to political affiliations. As a youth, I could be found hunting frogs with all my friends at the local swamps, so I’m not afraid to get dirty. I am charismatic, engrossing and have a piercing stare. Some say my blue eyes are “hypnotic”. At the moment, I am physically unavailable due to incarceration but I am emotionally yours. I’ve already had several marriage proposals and I’m thinking, why not marry all of them? My alleged history doesn’t affect what a giving partner I can be, as long as you’re willing to give me something in return. Please reach out via post. I can be reached at 23916 NW 83rd Avenue, Raiford, FL 32026. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be available for communication, so make haste. 

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