Tuesday, May 24, 2022

The Origins of Ding Dong Ditch

Between five and seven million years ago, humans, or humanoid apes, came into existence. Lumbering about on two legs, they were different from the other apes we know and love today. We can get a good idea about what they looked like by watching the 1968 Planet of the Apes starring our dearly departed, Charlton Heston. It wasn’t until maybe 2.5 million years ago, these ape people started crafting and utilizing crude stone tools. They were literally using them to scrape some dinner together. We can get a good idea about what that looked like by watching me prepare a meatloaf. Around the time of the rudimentary stone tool creation was when the same ape-like creatures, who would later become humans, would develop the game now known as “Ding Dong Ditch”. 

We’re all familiar with the concept of Ding Dong Ditch but for those that aren’t… It's a simple game for simple minded ding dongs. It involves approaching a home and either ringing the doorbell or knocking if no doorbell is available. Then, the humanoid runs away before the befuddled inhabitant opens the door. In the days of pre-cognition, these sub-human males would use the Ding Dong Ditch as a type of mating dance. The ape-man would approach the cave of a snoozing ape-person and rattle their club about the entryway. It would alert the dweller that a visitor wished to gain entry. Hopeful, the dweller would approach the cave opening, only to discover that not only was there no visitor, no delivery of venison but finally, they roused for nothing. These sub-humanoid man-creatures believed this act impressed the female of their species and hoped it would lead to a physical encounter that would undoubtedly result in their premature ejaculation. And then in turn: predicable female disappointment. As we’ve discovered, men have been disappointing women since the evolution of humankind. 

I recently observed camera footage of present-day DDD (Ding Dong Ditch) which was reminiscent of these earlier events. Sub-human, ape-like creatures approach the door of an unsuspecting suburbanite. Their hearts pounding with anticipation regardless of historical indication of what would transpire. They pressed a sweaty digit into the doorbell button and sprinted away, lumbering with a side to side gait indicative of frighteningly low intelligence quotient. They ran as fast as their bi-pedals could carry them, while two or three female sub-humans trudged after them. I can only assume, they had no other entertainment available that night so they agreed to accompany these apes on their nightly terrorizations. To you, active Ditchers: I pray that one day you may find happiness in simple things like a warm breeze on your sweaty gob. I also pray you find the psychiatric assistance you clearly require. Perhaps with medicinal accompaniment. To you, those contemplating converting to Ditching, please, check out your local library as they offer classes and various events to occupy your time. You may even meet fellow sub-humans you can connect with and form an ape-like bond based in the pursuit of knowledge. Though, yours may only ever be a pursuit. God speed and shine on you crazy diamonds. 

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